BEEF: IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER... AGAIN

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.  When in India, use extreme caution.

India is predictably scary to the germophobic, spoiled American.  A prudent Google search on preparing for a trip to India will quickly land you on pages describing what vaccinations and medications you should obtain prior to arriving in India and what things to avoid such as biting your nails, breaching the sanctity of your dermal protection layer (don’t get a scrape!) and of course drinking the water.  This last nugget of wisdom includes warnings about hidden dangers such as ice in your drinks, washed fruit, and of course all the dangers of taking a shower using water you don’t want to get in your mouth, eyes or open cuts.

And then of course there is the food.

Generally any food, if prepared correctly, has sufficiently eradicated its microbial contents to warrant consumption by weak systems such as mine.  However, when in addition to being “concerned” about keeping the germs at bay one is also manically conservative on choices of cuisine, complications arise in maintaining a steady and healthy diet in the land where unwashed hands prepare meals in converted animal stalls for roadside distribution without recourse from public health code enforcement.  And while it is reasonable to assume that not all food in India is prepared this way, let's just say that I cannot confidently identify what has and has not been through a modicum of sanitary preparation.

The Hamilton Uncertainty Principle states that one's hands are both washed and unwashed until observed as being washed.

Even when sanitary preparation can be reasonably assured, there is still the open question one such as I wants desperately to ask at each meal: "what the hell is that?!?!"

So you can imagine my sense of anticipation having heard before I came to the Leela that my American comrades had visited there for lunch last year and found there to be a cheeseburger that rivaled those found in restaurants in the States.

And even more exciting: the Leela has several restaurants, including an Italian restaurant (which apparently one must have a formal jacket to enter, so I did not enter), an authentic Indian restaurant, and one in which a wide variety of choices is available including western dishes.

My first evening there at the Leela has me questing for said cheeseburger.  After taking the long walk from my room to the elevators and into the lobby, I find a helpful staff member (in truth he finds me first!) whom I ask where I can find the restaurants.

“What kind of food would you like?” I am asked.

“Something in the western food category,” I explain.

“I would like to suggest you try our Indian restaurant.  It is very good.”  Ah.  He is a negotiator.  Two can play at that game.

“Perhaps tomorrow,” I lie.  “Today I’m hungry for some western food.”  Stephen Covey would consider this an “I win, you lose” mentality.  Stephen Covey can eat my curry.

The man is not a quitter.  “Sir, our Indian restaurant is very good.  I think you will like it.”

It is time now to be firm.  “No, thank you.  I am in the mood for something familiar.”  I attach a look to my words which is intended to signal the seriousness of the situation.

Scientists say that 80% of communication is through non-verbal clues and signals.

Relenting, in suspiciously quiet surrender he showed me the restaurant where the cowardly American tourists who hide from the culture they are visiting go to eat in shame.

The menu for this restaurant is extensive, and in my defense there are some Indian choices to be found therein.  I could not tell you what they are since I only know about those pages so that I can more easily skip over them in future perusals.  I could also have selected various known substances including crab cakes, fish, salads and various breads.  But what catches my eye are two choices.  The Leela Cheeseburger, and the Beef Tenderloin.

Today feels like a cheeseburger day, and so I let my waiter know.

It turns out to be a good cheeseburger, and comes with fries untainted by Indian spices.  I am pleased.

Now, it is not lost on me that the majority of Hindus do not eat beef.  They abstain, not because of concerns over health or nutrition or melting polar ice caps, but because to them cows are sacred.  In fact, cows are worshipped by a significant percentage of a significant percentage of the world population.

Beef: It's what they worship.

And so when it comes down to it, apparently I'm a very insensitive man.  For the next 6 nights, I will call for room service (private dining is what they call it here) and the conversation will go something like this:

"Yes, hello Mr. Hamilton!  What will you be having for dinner tonight?"

"Um, yeah.  Hi.  You worship cows, right?  Yeah, I'll have one of those. "

Ok, no, I didn’t actually say that - not in so many words. But once again I'll remind you that 80% of what we communicate is in the non-verbal cues we send.  Actions speak louder than words.  Consistent actions even louder still.

And I sent quite a consistent message.

Every night.

But to be fair, I did not eat the cheeseburger every night I was there.

One night I had the beef tenderloin.